Confession

Hi there everyone.

I'm probably writing a post here that I'll regret tomorrow.

I think when I first was lying in bed and had the idea of starting a blog I knew right from the start that I was going to be anonymous or pseudonymous (Is that a word - does it mean what I'm trying to make it mean?), and I knew because the fiercest and probably most hidden reason for starting a blog was to find a place to say outloud the  things I could never say In my day to day, work , family, social life.

My girlfriend is wonderful and we can always tell each other anything, but I think I just wanted somewhere to reach out, and maybe turn some people off as being self-indulgent and/or boring and maybe there would be some people out there who would relate to what I was writing about and maybe it would be a bit like reaching out and touching your finger tips against someone elses in a dark room.

So here I am. I'm listening to daft punk because there's hardly any lyrics and it keeps me awake and with brainspace to think.

I smoked tonight - for the first serious time in about a year. I'm not starting up again> I found quitting pretty easy. The smoking was deliberate. A sort of wild letting go/ being in flame.

So i smoked, ciggarettes and pot.

I just want to say here that If there's any young people/children reading this that I'm not trying to romantacise smoking of any kind. Its bad. Full stop. It fills you with poisons, shortens your beautiful, amazing God given life. Its foul and anything but cool.

If anyone reads this and feels that it warrants an adult rating on my blog then please let me know and I'll change it straight away. I'm pretty new to this. I'm not really sure yet whats ok content and not. 

Anyway, I was staying with some family and we bought some weed and beer and got really stoned together, laughed, had fun being crazy etc. That bit went for a while.

And then I had some pretty magor thoughts occur to me. I started having homo-erotic fantasies. Especially for one guy, a friend of my girlfriends.

I'm a straight, drug free Christian with a girlfriend.

This is not me.

or the problem is that it is a part of me. Theres almost a Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde thing going on. Dr Jekyll wants to leave a peaceful, disciplined life. I love playing chess, cooking, hanging out with my family. I tell my brother not to drink because he's only 16  and in fact its a rule I police like an eagle with him. I love going to church. I love the authenticity and kindness and warmth of the people I go to church with. I love my girlfriend very much and when I get some money and am more able to be a truly equal partner in our relationship I want to ask her to marry me.

There's also a part of me that feels truly wild. Much like the Mr. Hyde character in the BBC serial "Jekyl", which was a modern reinterpratation of the Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde story. I crave the escape of getting stoned out of my brain. The nictione lust of addiction to ciggarettes. Being a tragic crazy bohemian - which - there was a time, when I shared a studio with an x girlfriend and we helped run a student art space, drink beer, paint listening to Tom Waits and Aphex Twin and get stoned and pass out on the floor and wake up and make love on the studio floor. And being homeless and living underneath the mural at newtown that says "I have a dream" and handing out free poetry (ov variable quality).

That feeling of being alone and everywhere and invincible and wild and uninhibited. 

I seem to go in cycles. I used to go in very destructive circles. Now I don't. Its like the agreement between Jekyll and hide. Jekyll has the day, Hyde has the night. Hyde has to wear a gps which records his movements so that Jekyll can review them in the morning. In return Jekyll has to promise not to search for a cure. In fact, to never cure himself of Hyde.

They're at a deadlock.

In the end in the show Hyde eventually takes over the whole of Jekyll and gets so out of control that he is caught and performed experiments on. The experiments go wrong and somehow a sort of fusing occurs and the jekyll and hyde perform a sort of merging. Thats a pretty bad explanation of an awesome show. But the point is, maybe if that analogy holds true, theres a way as a human and a christian human to merge those  two polarities. to sort of knock of the edges of both. The path of the christian, the love and discipline and submission to God but also a sort of real expression of all the wildness and lust and darkness that instead of being denied or thrown out could be brought before the light and could be somehow enveloped and integrated into the path of Jesus and of loving God.

I've just thought that to be on the safe side I'll change my blog to have the adult warning after I post this.

I sent my girlfriend a text tonight telling her about my fantasies and asking wether she'd be prepared to have a threesome with me and her male friend. i couldn't call her. Its like 4 in the morning. I had to tell her though. She is the only person in the world who I tell absolutely everything to. More than I could ever  say in my blog, or tell anyone else. This felt like such a big thing I had to tell her. I really want her phone to be on silent so she can get it in the morning. I think I was afraid that If i waited until I was osber I would never be able to say the things I wanted to say to her.

We had sort of mentioned it before and she had said she would kind of like it

So thats about it. I suppose to a lot of christians reading this I am just following the devil that I am walking away from the light.

But putting all attempta at providing a biblicly sound opinion aside; Isn't the core message of Jesus that he loves us. That he loves the leppers and the outcasts. I don't want to always be a leper and outcast but while i am one. While I feel unable to stop myself shouldn't I still keep walking with god. Or keep talking to god at least. Bringing it before him. Thats what we are told to do as christians. To bring all of us before God. I know what I am doing is probably wrong but it feels like a part of me and even if it is dark and sinfull shouldn't I still bring it before Jesus?